April 10, 2000
My dear Sir Charles Grandiose,
As personal secretary to Camilla Parker-Bowles, I write to thank you for the extreme hospitality you displayed in allowing Mrs. Parker-Bowles to stay in your gracious estate of Blandsdown last weekend, after her car broke down in the neighbouring town of Fishampton. She very much appreciated being allowed to stay for the two days it required for her motor to be repaired, and wishes me to inform you the rest of her journey to her retreat in Weatherstone Run was uneventful and pleasant.
However, Mrs. Parker-Bowles was concerned about a number of . . . Sir Charles, let us call them 'oversights' that she encountered during her stay at Blandsdown. I settle upon the word because I cannot believe a man of your stature and accomplishment, a baronet of the realm, would every be intentionally insulting. I shall enumerate.
you sir charles,
i want to know should i let my boyfriend go at this time or
should i keep him, but i can't cause i am leaving. And when he
call sometime he don't have any thing much to say to me and when
one time i went to his town and he act like he didn't want me
there and he said that i came without telling him that i was
coming. i really want to get to know him and be with him but
we got alot of things to talk about.......WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT
Sir Charles replies:
My dear Renata,
What I think is that it's a pity there are so many genuine freaks in this world, and yet so few circus sideshows.
Advising against a constant diet of 'corn dogs,' one remains,
If you can help? I need some tips on how to write a funny
limerick on a
Sir Charles replies:
An illiterate friend of Lou Crow
Hoping to have fulfilled the 'fun' quotient, one remains,
Dear Lady Felicia,
As you can see by my chosen nom de plume, I'm confused. I was ecstatic to read your dissertation on diamonds in last week's column. It seemed to be very well reasoned and as always, quite informative.
However, I do have a question that's been plaguing me. My mother says that I am too young for diamonds. (I am but fifteen.) But she's always telling me I have to be careful not to let a man take my precious jewel. I'm assuming she means the garnet necklace my great-aunt Myrtle gave me last year for my birthday. But honestly, are there really garnet-hounds out there who'll try to get me alone so they can get a garnet?
It doesn't make sense. Please help.
The Lady Felicia replies:
My dear confused child,
A wise and loving mother is a girl's best friend. Be guided by her always. That said, one must confess that mamas can be, on occasion, very trying, very obtuse, and so very out-of-date. Yes, many and many a time can I remember crying out in exasperation, "Oh, Moth-er!" when my own mama sent me back upstairs to put on a third petticoat. Why, on occasion, even Penelope Windsor-Smythe, eighty-fifth in line for the throne, whom one loves as one's daughter, has rolled her eyes at some bit of useful advice one has given her. But mothers know whereof they speak, although sometimes they have difficulties in expressing themselves coherently on certain topics.
To answer your question quite frankly, my dear, it is a wicked, wicked world and yes, there are bold and masterful men out there who will try to take your sweet little garnet. Men, and boys even, who desire it above all things and who will go to great lengths to possess it for their own. In this, your mother is right to be concerned. But let me assure you and your dear mother that it is unnecessary for you to cease your youthful efforts at adornment when a good safety clasp will protect your jewels from the advances of the most ardent suitor. You are young -- you should flaunt your jewels!
I will give you one further bit of wisdom: this manly lust for precious gems does seem to diminish with age and the onset of gout. My Sir Charles, before we were married, was enthralled with my pretty rubies -- often making boyish lunges at them -- and now, he hardly notices them at all.
Serenely, one remains