Picture: From the Library of Sir Charles Grandiose

Cast of Characters | Credits | Store

I, Sir Charles Grandiose, hereby bequeath one's timeless wisdom to Dame Eternity.

Do not thank one--if one must, one may demonstrate one's appreciation by contributions to Lady Felicia's favourite cause, St. Agnetha's Home for Wayward Women and Genteel Gentleladies Forced Into a Life of Degradation by Unfortunate Circumstances.

Classic Columns

April 29, 2002: A Compendium of Manners Cards, Part Two
April 8, 2002: A Compendium of Manners Cards, Part One

March 18, 2002: Spring Approacheth, and, Young Penelope Windsor-Smythe Writes A Poem
March 4, 2002: A Bouquet of Manners Cards, and, Alumni News from the Buckingham School for Wealthy Effemininate Boys

February 18, 2002: Lent? One Thought It Borrowed, and, Sweet Harry

January 28, 2002: A Bold And Breathless Merchandising Event
January 14, 2002: And The Year Is Off To A Rollicking Start

December 24, 2001: Joyux Knoll!, and, Burying the Christmas Bone
December 10, 2001: What Smells Better Than The Roses of Spring in Winter?

November 19, 2001: The Choose Your Own Sir Charles Grandiose Adventure, and, The Shallow End Of The Zygote Pool
November 5, 2001: Beautiful Conversation For The Beautiful People, and, Pull Out Or Stay In?

October 22, 2001: Just The Thing For Little Miss Anthrax, and, Poor 'Arry!
October 8, 2001: Of Blood Tests and Billiousness

September 24, 2001: A Bit Of Seriousness Amongst The Silly
September 10, 2001: Barkeep, Bring On Another Round Of Manners Cards, and, Lessons From The Karma Suture

August 27, 2001: We Do Not Need A Little Christmas, and, Secrets Of The Privy Chamber
August 13, 2001: Ida B. Peevish Gets A Gratiutous Plug

July 30, 2001: Higglety Pigglety, Martha Stewart, and, What Tasty Britney Spears!
July 16, 2001: And A Fine Re-Run He Is
July 2, 2001: Baby Seal, Who Made Thee?, and, One's John Thomas

June 11, 2001: Sir Charles Dishes Out A Lot Of Crepe

May 28, 2001: Is It Summer Rerun Time Already?
May 14, 2001: What The British Do Best, and, Big Hairy Boules

April 30, 2001: Sir Charles' Privates, and, Young Penelope Queries Craven Moorehead
April 16, 2001: A Grandiose Recipe, and, Bun-Punching
April 2, 2001: Daylight Savings, and The Usual Miscellany

March 26, 2001: Watch Out For The The Lizard, and Talk To The Digits
March 19, 2001: A Baronet Regurgitates
March 5, 2001: Introducing GrandLibs, and, Hoof in Mouth

February 19, 2001: The Lady Felicia Gentle Generator of Domestic Rebuffs
February 12, 2001: A Tender Poem On Nature, and, A Yapping Girlfriend
February 5, 2001: Baronet!: It's All Good, and, The Woman Question

January 22, 2001: Up Jenkins and Pinchy-Winchy, and, A Grandiose Revenge
January 8, 2001: Anti-Anti-Antimacassars, and, Getting Into One's Pants

December 25, 2000: Blackmail Photos!, and, To All A Good Night
December 11, 2000: Punch the Duchess!, and Cutting the Cheese
December 4, 2000: Sir Charles Dishes Up Some Leftovers

November 20, 2000: The Sir Charles Global Crap Reduction Plan, and, Waking Up Grumpy
November 13, 2000: Ravish McKee Versus the Taxass Essors
November 6, 2000: Say, Don't You Look Familiar?

October 30, 2000: A Poetic Halloween, and, Chiranjeevi Madness!
October 16, 2000: Are You A Commoner?, and, Spank That Monkey!
October 9, 2000: Achoo!, and, Danger In Shudder Green
October 2, 2000: A Perfectly Mammoth Erection, and, WhatEVER.

September 18, 2000: I Have A Dream, and, What People Put In Their Mouths
September 11, 2000: The Lonely Life Of A Baronet, and, A Well Hung Husband

August 28, 2000: More Manners Cards For Your Collection, and, A Serious Question about the Missionary Position
August 21, 2000: Mr. Gouphous and Sir Gallant Have A Bit Of Deja Vu
August 7, 2000: L@@K! BID NOW!, and, Other Treasures From The Attic Of Sir Charles Grandiose

July 24, 2000: The Lady Felicia Steps In, and, How One Made One's Fortune
July 17, 2000: Knock Knock. Who's There? Trade Union. Trade Union Who?
July 10, 2000: There's Nothing Like Summer Camp, and, Is E.S.P. Real?

June 26, 2000: Princely Advice, and, Four Degrees Of Separation
June 19, 2000: Confucius Say Buy Grandiose, and, You Made Your Bed So Lie In It
June 12, 2000: How To Eat Practically Anything, and, El Grande Enema
June 5, 2000: Sir Charles Grandiose Is Committed To Recycling

May 22, 2000: NASDAQ Gets Grandiose, and, What Jewel Spells A-C-Q-U-I-T-T-A-L?
May 15, 2000: Sir Charles Goes Fishing, and, A Well-Hung Frenchman
May 8, 2000: A Modest Proposal for Global Warming, and, Somewhere Over the Ha-Ha

April 24, 2000: Chauncey Grandiose: A Man's Man, and, The Bride's Bane
April 10, 2000: Rhymes With 'Witch', and, Sir Charles Composes a Limerick
April 3, 2000: Sir Charles Is Rude To His Correspondents (Again)

March 27, 2000: Mistakes Are Corrected, and, A Bit Of Beethoven
March 13, 2000: Portrait of an S.O.B., and, The Lady Felicia Advises
March 6, 2000: You Too Can Be Underpaid And Underappreciated, and, A New Position

February 21, 2000: Thank You For Visiting Fishampton, and An Ideal Marriage
February 14, 2000: A Little VD Can Go A Long Way
February 7, 2000: A New Horrorscope, and, The Beastly Baby

January 31, 2000: Sir Charles Visits the Compost Heap
January 24, 2000: A Hot And Waxy Grandmama, and, A Verbose Exchange
January 10, 2000: A Grandiose Broadcast, and, Sir Charles Deigns To Sponge
January 3, 2000: Sir Charles Does His Bit To Help The Environment

December 13, 1999: 'Tis the Season

November 29, 1999: The Advent of Mrs. Titus W. Trout, and, A Man's Balls
November 22, 1999: Grandiose Goes Cosmo, and, A Footman's Confession
November 8, 1999: Leaving The Seat Up, and, Watch Out For That Wall!
November 1, 1999: Smell-O-Rama, and, Legs Wide Shut

October 18, 1999: Lingua Americana, and, A Cowhand's Girl
October 4, 1999: Can He Count That High?, and, Will The Real Miss Born In A Barn Please Stand Up?

September 20, 1999: The Two Hundredth Column
September 13, 1999: I Dream Of Felicia With The Light Green Snake, and, Nuns On The Run

August 23, 1999: Anita Manceau Baddeley's Fabulous Movie Reviews
August 16, 1999: The Foodles At Boodles, and, Heap Big Political Incorrectness
August 2, 1999: The Grandiose Rules Of Life, and, A Litany Of Sins

July 26, 1999: The Manners Cards Keep A-Coming, and, Puccini In The Conservatory With The Lead Pipe
July 19, 1999: Those Who Can't, Criticize, and, The Return of Chatsy
July 5, 1999: The Language Of Flowers, and, Va-va-VOOM!

June 21, 1999: A Royal Wedding, and, Crafty Cukes
June 14, 1999: Camp SCUMMY, and, Poxed By A Fox
June 7, 1999: The American-British Idiom Dictionary, and What Do You Do With A Naughty Houseboy?

May 17, 1999: Entertaining Mr. E.T., and, Riding Astride
May 10, 1999: Return Of The S.O.B., and, A Piece Of Cod
May 3, 1999: Sir Charles Grandiose Pulls A Fast One

April 26, 1999: The J. Patermen Catalogue, and Pass The Sugar, Sugar
April 12, 1999: Manners Cards: The Gifts That Keep On Giving
April 5, 1999: Smilies, Redux, and, Some Old Favourites

March 22, 1999: A Subtle Plug, and, Is Sex Too Good For The Common People?
March 15, 1999: A Hospital Visit, and, Gimme!
March 8, 1999: One Gets Letters, and, Baby On Board

February 22, 1999: The Devil In Others, and, The Beer Barrel Polka
February 8, 1999: Night Of The Living Miss M____, and, Tit-Watching
February 1, 1999: Miss M____: Is She Dead Yet?, and, Rusht Monsteeres

January 25, 1999: The Impeachment Circus, and, A Liberal Larding Of Smileys
January 18, 1999: ROFL, and, Bubba Grannyooze
January 11, 1999: Bonny Prince Eddie, and, Is That A Stuffed Sock Or Are You Happy To See Me?
January 4, 1999: What a Grandiose Life!

December 14, 1998: A Letter to Santa, and, You Grandiose Bastard, You
December 7, 1998: The Grandiose Christmas Countdown, and, Pthirus Pubis

November 30, 1998: Labour's Revolting, and, Queen Victoria Licks Herself
November 16, 1998: The Sir Charles Grandiose English-American/American-English Dictionary, and 'Bits'
November 9, 1998: Snobbery, Schmobbery, And, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Vomitorium
November 2, 1998: Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Sir Charles Grandiose

October 26, 1998: 'Fan' Mail, and, A Touch Of Glenscrumpitotty
October 12, 1998: A Personal Touch, and, Gay Young Bachelors
October 5, 1998: Lookey Likeys, and, She's Got Legs And Knows How To Use Them

September 28, 1998: A Calumny Of Chutneys, and, Head Slapping
September 21, 1998: I Did Not Have Snacks With That Woman!
September 14, 1998: I Am Curious, Swedish, and, Back To School Tips
September 7, 1998: A Baronet On Holiday Is A Splendid Thing Indeed

August 17, 1998: Nature is Simply Unnatural, and, Between A Cad And A Hard Place
August 10, 1998: Happy Birthday To The Queen Mum, and, Keeping An Old Gent Satisfied
August 3, 1998: A Charitable Cause, and, A Young Lady's Butt

July 27, 1998: Roman Holiday, and, Graceful Submission
July 20, 1998: Oh La La!, and, Whither French Bashing?
July 6, 1998: French Kissing, Part Deux, and, An Anthrax Cocktail?

June 29, 1998: Sir Charles And The Lingua Franca, and, I Like To Serve
June 15, 1998: Mr Gouphous and Sir Gallant Approach An Emergency, and, Oh, Them Mountain Oysters
June 8, 1998: The Year Of The You Know, And, Hot Nuts

May 18, 1998: One's Slovenly Secretary Revolts (As If That Surprises Anyone)
May 4, 1998: Grandiose Horoscopes, and, It's Liza With a Z

April 27, 1998: Angels and Demons, and, Children, Schmildren!
April 13, 1998: Di! Di! Di!, and, Listen Here, Jerry
April 6, 1998: Comedy Tomorrow, Tragedy Tonight, and, Grandmaster Charles And The Privileged Five

March 23, 1998: General Purpose Manners Cards, and, Are You Being Smart With Me?
March 16, 1998: Scratching the Cello, and, Sir Charles Explains It All For You
March 2, 1998: A Leaky Pipe, and The Boss' Dairy Air

February 23, 1998: The Triple Putz, and, They Call The Wind Mariah
February 16, 1998: The Sweetest Day of the Year, and Navajo Rug Tupperware Parties
February 9, 1998: Thank You For Visiting Blandsdown, and Dear Monica
February 2, 1998: Who Sabotaged Sir Charles Grandiose?

January 12, 1998: A Weekend in the Country, and, Oh La La Pierre DePue!
January 5, 1998: New Year's Resolutions, and, Strumpets On Parade

December 29, 1997: The Year-End Grandiose Clearance Sale
December 12, 1997: Letters to Santa, and, Tinkle Tinkle Little Star
December 5, 1997: The Prince of Piles, and, Astride or Aside?

November 27, 1997: Baronet's Day, and, Love Ewe Two
November 14, 1997: Collectible Manners Cards, and, Privates On Parade
November 7, 1997: It's So Nice To Be Rich, and, Horsewhip This Cad!

October 31, 1997: Fright Night, and, Some Old Favourites
October 24, 1997: A Smile of Granit, and, Ol' One-Kidney
October 17, 1997: Advice from Melody Windover-Midden
October 10, 1997: Valley of the Chutneys, and, The Rules Of Dinnertime Chat
October 3, 1997: Moo Shoo Who?, and, Pinch Me Buns

September 26, 1997: Mind Your Manners Cards, and, Bye Bye Beheadings
September 12, 1997: A Melody Is Like A Spitty Girl, and, The Secret Of The Queen Mum
September 5, 1997: In Memoriam, and, The Boy Flatters One

August 29, 1997: The Grandiose Summer End Clearance Sale
August 15, 1997: Manners Cards For Sundry Occasions, and, Pussies, Nuts, and Grunions
August 8, 1997: Mr Gouphous and Sir Gallant Visit the Cinema, and, A Man Of Small Balls
August 1, 1997: Collector's Edition Manners Cards, and, Roman Hands

July 18, 1997: The Clutching Fingers of Lust, and, A Poem By Lucy Chambers
July 11, 1997: In Which One Grapples With Infinity, and Knocks It Down A Notch Or Two
July 4, 1997: The Memories of Hong Kong Chow Mein Cotillion, and, Knock, Knock?

June 27, 1997: Sodom and Gloccamorra, and, Several Perky Poems
June 13, 1997: In Which One Wrestles With God
June 6, 1997: Mr Gouphous and Sir Gallant Visit the Opera, and, It Ain't The Size of the Sceptre, It's The Motion of the Lotion

May 30, 1997: The Sir Charles Grandiose Handbook of Netiquette
May 23, 1997: From the Correspondence of Edna Thistle, Mrs
May 16, 1997: An Exercise in Modesty, and, Stop Staring At My Ass!
May 9, 1997: Not Nice to Be Nice to the Nice, and, A Frenchie In Jail
May 2, 1997: Labour Gives One the Vapours: Classic Columns

April 25, 1997: One Bows to Capitalism, and, Burn, Baby, Burn!
April 18, 1997: Memento Mori, and The Miracle of the Brioche and Pate
April 11, 1997: Baronet!, and Minions Run Amok
April 4, 1997: It All Comes Out In The End, and The Mystery of the Missing Motor

March 28, 1997: The Jubilee Comes to an End, and, Minions with the Mostest
March 21, 1997: Jubilee Contest Results, and, Martha, Redux
March 14, 1997: Martha, Martha, Martha!, and, A Hairy, Saggy Ass
March 7, 1997: The One Hundredth Jubilee Contest, and, Tongue in Cheeke

February 21, 1997: The One Hundredth Jubilee Edition Column
Special Bonus: A Note from the Secretary to Sir Charles on the Occasion of the One Hundredth Column
February 14, 1997: Manners Cards, and, Rah, Rah, Sis Boom Bozo
February 7, 1997: The Moon's In Uranus, and A Reply To A Yapping Bitch

January 31, 1997: A Modest Proposal, and, A Run For The Border
January 24, 1997: The Adventures Of Gouphous And Gallant Against The Wiles of Miss M-----s
January 17, 1997: You Say Pathetic, I Say Bathetic, and, More Tidings from Cheeke
January 10, 1997: A Fine Vintage in the Vins Ordinaires, and, The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

December 27, 1996: And Oh, What A Happy Year It Has Been
December 20, 1996: Letters to Santa, and, A Stalking in Harrods!
December 13, 1996: A Big Bunch of S.O.B's, and, A Common Girl's Prayer
December 6, 1996: Yoicks! And Away!, and, I'm Rubber, You're Glue. . . .

November 29, 1996: Santa Claus is Coming to Blandsdown, and Dominique-a-nique-a-nique
November 22, 1996: The Penelope Windsor-Smythe Fan Club, and The Art of the Gentle Rebuff
November 15, 1996: A Digression on Digressions, and A Whymsical Wymyn
November 8, 1996: A Touch of Precipitation, and, A Night At the Opera
November 1, 1996: Some Really Really Good Poetry, and, The Laws of the Iceberg

October 25, 1996: One Attends to One's Privates, and, The Trouble With Spaniards
October 18, 1996: Gouphous and Gallant Play Golf (Croquet, really, but the alliteration is so much better)
October 11, 1996: Advice from the Divine Anita Manceau-Baddeley
October 4, 1996: "Ask Me About" One's Pet Peeves, and, Maid for Pain

September 27, 1996: Naughty Boys, and, The Lolling Tung Moto-Hotel
September 20, 1996: Minions, Arouse!, and, Vainglorious Velcro
September 13, 1996: Calling All Minions!, and, Advice to a Ruffian
September 6, 1996: A Rant On Royals, and, Cheekey Frolics

August 30, 1996: In Which One Introduces Mr. Gouphous and Sir Gallant
August 23, 1996: The Further Adventures of Binkie, and, Mallets and Balls
(Sir Charles Grandiose & family were on holiday for the week of August 16, 1996.)
August 9, 1996: Birthday Wishes, and, A Sorority Sob Story
August 2, 1996: Hellions of the Highway, and, Ear Muffins

July 26, 1996: Twenty-Six Years of Marriage, and, The Professional Toffee Pull
July 19, 1996: Miss No Manners, and, The Worries of a Princess
July 12, 1996: The Genesis of a Genius, and, Opening Brasseries
July 5, 1996: All There Is To Know About the Crying Game, and, Athletic Apparatus

June 28, 1996: A Mad Cow and a Cow Farmer, and, More Bush!
June 21, 1996: A Serious Plea, and, The Sin of Mastication
June 14, 1996: A Royal Kidnapping!; Buckets of Cash
June 7, 1996: One Sticks to the Point; Baseball's Not Cricket

May 31, 1996: John Tom Covered; A Virtue Misplaced
May 24, 1996: Loony, Loony Mad Girl!; A Perfidious Hound
May 17, 1996: A Scurvy Death to Emoticons!
May 10, 1996: In Which One's Secretary Slacks Off
May 3, 1996: Too Many Royals!; The Merits of a Lending Library

April 26, 1996: Lessons in the Belle Letters; A Tragic Domestic Scene
April 19, 1996: A Slippery Revenge; Randy Royals on the Rise
April 12, 1996: A Dark Frost; An Erotic Opportunity
April 5, 1996: Revenge on a Mad Cow; Oh, Chatsy!

March 29, 1996: A Baronet Returns; Lipstick Lebanese
March 22, 1996: The Lady Felicia Vivisects A Nasty Old Slag
March 15, 1996: The Revenge of Edna Thistle, Mrs.
March 8, 1996: The Royal Fish Finger Fright!, and Chatsy Redux
March 1, 1996: A Game of Chance, and A Limp Noodle

February 23, 1996: A Blacksmith Unmasq'ed!
February 16, 1996: The Crusty Ballroom is Engaged; An Evening with the Tongs
February 9, 1996: A Hog-Tying, A Kafuffle at the Jumble Sale, and a Holiday in Bali
February 2, 1996: The Gymkhana, and A Bad Hair Year

January 26, 1996: The Charmes Haggis Gala, and An Egyptologist In Eternity
January 19, 1996: A Viper in the Bosom of the Family!, and Chunky Campbell's Soup
January 12, 1996: An Impending Marriage!, and Ode on an Obscene Grecian Urn
January 5, 1996: New Year's Resolutions; A Visitor from the Country

December 30, 1995: A Year-End Review
December 22, 1995: Yes, Virginia; 'Tis the Season. . . .
December 15, 1995: Penelope Departs; A Buzzing Like Bluebottles
December 8, 1995: Lord Marmaduke and the Lady Physician
December 1, 1995: A Radio Programme; The Advent of Chatsy

November 24, 1995: A Well-Bred Spaniel Vs. A Common Bitch
November 17, 1995: Theft at Blandsdown!, and, An Artist's Confession
November 10, 1995: Cat Butts and the Return of Mabel
November 3, 1995: A Hearty Sneer at Snobs

October 27, 1995: Kafuffle At the Crabbes Ball
October 20, 1995: A Lesson in Latin
October 13, 1995: Lord Downy Meets a Tragic Fate
October 6, 1995: The Memoirs of the Raj Chutney Parade

September 29, 1995: The Birds and the Dashed Bees
September 22, 1995: Lord Downy is Unmanned
September 15, 1995: A Bevy of Beauties
September 8, 1995: A Poison Pen, Revisited
September 1, 1995: A Poison Pen!

August 25, 1995: Edna Thistle, Mrs., and the Fork Luncheon Debacle
August 18, 1995: Young Penelope Makes Her Literary Debut
August 11, 1995: Birthday Greetings
August 4, 1995: Lady Felicia's 'Vartue'

July 28, 1995: The Heart of the Country
(Sir Charles Grandiose & family were on holiday for the week of July 21, 1995.)
July 14, 1995: Dung-B-Gon, Ltd.
July 7, 1995: The Demise of Dimity

June 30, 1995: The Wild, Pagan, Fairy Princess of the Pastries
June 23, 1995: A Governess Made Good
June 16, 1995: 'Brunch' with a Yankee
June 9, 1995: The Motorphobic and the Mad
June 2, 1995: Thoughts on a Wag

May 26, 1995: Novels and The Cut Direct
May 19, 1995: The Mystery of the Leaking Cat
May 12, 1995: The Perfidy of Miss Stefany Taliaferro
May 5, 1995: A Sticky Wicket

April 28, 1995: Letters of Introduction
April 21, 1995: Agonies of the Distressed Gentlewoman
April 14, 1995: An Encounter at Gammonsford
April 7, 1995: Heathens of the Louvre!

March 31, 1995: Pasty, Pasty Rich Boy
March 24, 1995: Libidinous Knitting!
March 17, 1995: A New Era Commences

Sir Charles' stateside representative is V. Briceland
[Note from Sir Charles: Do not encourage the lad. I fear he has thoughts above his station.]

This Week | Write to Sir Charles | Cast of Characters | Credits | Store