September 18, 2000
Advice from Sir Charles Grandiose presents
The Sir Charles Grandiose
Book of Dreams
culled from the latest Psychological
textbooks and the very latest in Dream Research
and including the most common and everyday
symbols of the dreams that everyone has,
from bootblack to Baronet.
||Rebirth; new life,
a fresh beginning.
||A visitor will arrive
||Hard work lies ahead.
||You dream of paradise.
|A servant handling
||Paradise is just
out of reach.
||That pretty dairy
maid with the rosy cheeks from the village handing a snake while
wearing nothing but an apron made from the Union Jack
||Paradise is looking
better all the time.
|The snake transforms
into your wife
||Trouble in paradise.
||A snake bite
||Better call the florist's,
will solve a problem.
||A telephone call
will arrive soon.
||Comfort is just around
||Appearing in public
without benefit of clothing
||You fear that secrets
will be exposed; you fear that others are not impressed with
|Appearing in public
in which everyone is without benefit of clothing except for yourself
||Get out of here,
you randy old git.
||Appearing in public
wearing nothing but an apron made from the Union Jack and a pair
of feathered mules
||Er, one was in error.
One meant, 'Freud would be shocked.'
||You have healthy
|A toaster in the
||Goodbye, Pater. Hullo,
||Riding in a bullet
train that plunges through tunnel after tunnel, vibrating and
pulsing with energy, only to stop in a Parisian square where
fountains spurt foamy water, while Charo plays upon the guitar,
until the train leaves again, plunging into tunnels and through
valleys surrounded by high-peaked twin mountains, until one wakes
crying, "Oh g-d! Oh g-d!"
||(Note: If any of
one's readers have any insight into this one, please write. One
tends to think it means nothing, however.)
|For the elite: Dreaming
you are a commoner
will happen on the morrow
||For the commoner:
Dreaming you are a baronet
||Wake up and smell
the coffee, already.
Dear Sir Charles,
Okay. Listen. I'm admitting up front that I'm a lady with
new money. My dad used to have a struggling button factory. When
the old geezer popped off my second year of community college,
I took over the business. I said, let's go high-tech. No one
wants wooden buttons anymore. Let's go electronic. Let's go internet.
So you know those buttons you push on when you're shopping Amazon,
or when you fill out an online form? Those are mine. I invented
them. I make them. I manufacture them. I've got an exclusive
right. I notice you have one on the page where readers can submit
letters to you. So, you paying for that, dude?
Anyway, look. I'm trying to upscale myself. They tell me that
if I want to break into the really big leagues where
I can get Bill G. by the nads, I've gotta. So I'm going to wine
tasting classes, and I hired some bitch named Martha Stewart
to redo my place (I don't know who she is, but she's driving
me nuts), and I'm trying to get used to this high-class food
you yoicks and away types eat, because they're telling me that
a diet of pizza and a brewski just isn't class with a capital
K, you know?
So. This caviar stuff. What's up with that? It tastes like
dog crap, only not as tasty, if you know what I mean. Do you
guys really eat this stuff? Jeeeeeeez, no wonder you got those
expressions like you just put something nasty in your mouth.
I had a mouthful of the red caviar and next thing I know it's
all over the new Lichtenstein and Martha's having a hissy fit.
So tell me, cause I've gotta know, because at this point I
can take in my mouth, but I just can't swallow. Are black ones
bigger and tastier?
Sir Charles replies:
My dear young lady,
Although in general I fear that your palate will remain uneducated
to an extreme that would make the average carrion-fed maggot
seem like an intellectual giant along the likes of Kant, Einstein,
Gandhi, and Grandiose Enterprises Ltd. Celebrity Spokesperson
Posh Spice, one will rely upon an old adage that has served many
a generation of young women.: Once you try black, you'll never
Wishing that every letter was this simple, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose
my date of birth is 19of december 1951. my name is Abdul
Kadar. i want to buy a car, which number suits me? from 3526
to 3535. pls advise me.
also i want to know my future specially about my daughters.
waiting for ur advice,
Sir Charles replies:
My most respected foreign visitor,
How happy one is that you wish to join the throngs of
individuals clogging the roadways with badly-maintained motors
blasting annoying music composed in a non-Western diatonic scale
at top volume while talking upon their celluloid phones. However,
one must decline your request for numerical advice, as one only
gives Lucky Number advice on Thursdays in which the date is a
prime number, and only then for lucky numbers between 2642 and
2657. Ever so sorry.
As for your daughters, one can see quite clearly that the
oldest will soon be running away with a curry chef from Lahore
with the name of Shatma Pans. As for the other seventeen daughters,
one fears that their futures remain shrouded. One fears that
one's all-seeing spectacles require a new prescription.
Cordially yours, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose
hi, today my sister and i got into an arguement, i told her
that i could make more money then she by time i got out of college.
she is going to drexel university for accounting, i want to go
to college for computer programming.
i said to her i bet you i will make more money then you by
time i get out of college. she is in her third year of college,
i am still in high school. my average of this moment is a 80.5,
but i still have time to get it up. my sister told me that i
can't go to college because my grades are not high enough, and
that she thought i got a 55 in my math class but i got a 77 and
she said that because of that i wouldn't get into a college.
also, my father has kidney disease and has to go on emergency
dialysis, so she said that by time i get out of school my father
might not be able to pay my college fee's and tuition.
so i want to know if i was wrong or was she wrong, about what
was said? and also how can i tell her that what she said is wrong?
and also i have another problem, i cry when i get really mad
or frustrated. how can i prevent this from happenening?
thank you for your patience.
The Lady Felicia replies:
One happens to know from a long and painful experience with
Melody Windover-Midden that sisters are always wrong. You needn't
tell your sister that she is wrong, but you might practice
a dismissive, knowing sort of smile. It will infuriate her and
will be much more satisfying for you.
And you must silently tell yourself, the next time your sister
angers or frustrates you, that sisters are always wrong
. It will help you to feel smug (an extremely under-appreciated
emotion), and the impulse to produce tears will simply vanish.
If, on the off-chance, your sister happens to be correct and
a lackluster academic performance prevents you from attending
the college of your choice, you are welcome to apply for a position
at Blandsdown, my dear. I can make no promises, being guided
in this as in all things by Sir Charles, but there may be a future
for you at Blandsdown as under-maid to the maid of the antimacassar
closet, or even as head sweeper of cigar ends in Sir Charles'
Serenely, one remains,
Lady Felicia Grandiose