Lips writes:

I seem to have a problem that I can't get a handle on. Lately, while kissing my significant other, he seems to recoil from me....I know that this huge boil on my lip is not attractive, but since the herpes drugs aren't helping, I don't know what to do...any suggestions?

Lips in Lackawanna

Sir Charles replies:

Madame:

One must remind you that it is most vulgar to refer to one's corporeal incarnations, particularly those used expressly for the purpose of pursuing encounters that can, at best, be termed 'carnal'. As for the boil, one is certain you deserve it.

With the best of good wishes,
Sir Charles

Peeved writes:

Dear Sir Charles:

My father acts as if he -owns- the computer or something! Just when I am starting to have fun on the Internet, he comes into the room and says he wants to use it! I mean, just because he bought the computer and the modem doesn't mean anything, does it? What can I do to dissuade him from cutting into my Internet time?

Peeved in Pinole

Sir Charles replies:

Madame:

One does not normally involve oneself in petty familial disputes. One finds them tedious to an extreme. In light of one's moral duty, however, one will note that although parricide has been frowned upon in polite society, it nonetheless has been a popular tool for advancement within the oldest and most dignified of families. Although one does not recommend it to you, one finds it a comfort that if you heed one's advice, your family's weak and pathetic gene pool will be made slightly more shallow.

With the best of good wishes,
Sir Charles

Heaving Bosum writes:

My very bosum heaves with outrage! I have endured more than any respectable woman should in this cruel melee known as alt.fetish.knitting! I pray that you will join me in censuring these wanton hussies who persist in dropping their stitches! Shameless tarts! And their hircinity does not stop there, oh no! They send threads back and forth, bragging about their knitting prowess in lurid detail! One floozy even started a thread on provocative new knitting patterns! This libidinous knitting must stop! Oh, Sir Charles! Whatever shall I do?

Heaving Bosum!

Sir Charles replies:

Madame:

You have indeed borne more than mortal flesh should bear. One's very sensibilities tremble to think that a fair one, such as you must be (as evidenced by your education and moral stance) should be so subjected to the wanton vicissitudes of such jades.

One finds that a fine example is its own reward. As a child, one was mocked and ridiculed for one's views. Nay, be not shocked. It is true. Rude boys and pig-nosed girls from the local village made faces at one as one passed through the streets in one's carriage. Did one respond in kind, however? Did one make rude faces and inform Millicent Simpley that she, too, carried a pole of unknown make and weight in an orifice one will not mention? Indeed not. One simply lifted one's nose high and carried on, and sent back James the butler to horsewhip them later. One trusts that you will do the same, so that your bosom shall heave no longer. I remain,

Admiringly,
Sir Charles