August 7, 2000
Music Box L@@K!!!
This precious music box was an authentic wedding present from Augusta Windover-Midden to Sir Charles Grandiose and his wife, Lady Felicia Grandiose (nee Windover-Midden). When wound, it plays "The Masterpiece Theatre Theme Song" and "Yes We Have No Bananas." Ugly as the devil, but what else would you expect from a harridan whose idea of a cultural night out is listening to tomcats caterwaul on the fence behind Covent Garden, followed by a visit to the chip shop.Good for scaring small children, pregnant women, and feeble old men with pacemakers. Must go!
WOW! This stunning sterling silver set embodies all the elegance and savoir faire of our Victorian predecessors! Nowhere else will you find such elegance embodied in every graceful curlicue and polished surface! Commissioned by Sir Elric Grandiose in 1862 of a local artisan, this wonderfully preserved example of century and a half old workmanship is worth its weight in Microsoft stock certificates! Nowhere else will you find anything half so elegant and refined! Added bonus: An elegant verse has been inscribed at the bottom of each silver cup, so that after downing the drink, the holder is treated to such delicate couplets as, "When a man ventures down to the old miller's pump/He can hope to encounter some young village rump," and that famous local rhyme beginning "There was milkmaid from St. Tuckitt's. . . ." GOING FAST!
Talking Doll!!! HURRY!
Little Miss Bennett doll is almost one of a kind! Lightly used for elegant tea parties by unnamed young royal who happens to be eighty-fifth in line for the throne. This gorgeous dolly in Regency togs not only wets her nappy and closes her eyes when put to bed, but she speaks! Phrases include: "They're only servants, not human beings!", "Not caviar again!", "Brighton is marvelous this time of year!" and "I shan't!" Little Miss Bennett comes with a wide range of Little Miss Bennett accessories, including the Little Miss Bennett Malibu Bathing Machine, the Little Miss Bennett Traveling Abroad Trunk Set (153 pieces), and the Little Miss Bennett Kitchen Set. Naturally we're just joking about the last time. Hah! Hah! BID NOW!
HUMAN KIDNEY in EXQUISITE
STERLING SILVER KIDNEY DISH
Tired of dialysis? Are you ready to resume a normal lifestyle? Buy yourself a human kidney, freshly harvested from one of the servants of Sir Charles Grandiose and flown direct to your local hospital in this handsome ram's horn kidney dish! And to celebrate your newly-functioning renal system, invite your friends over to celebrate your good health with refreshments served from the commemorative dish! A selection of Lady Felicia Grandiose's kidney chutney recipes is included as an extra bonus!!! P.S. Is this particular specimen not your genotype? Don't worry! We have plenty of servants!
Lady Buffandy writes:
I find myself the midst of a dilemma. While my erstwhile marriage dwindles to its inevitable (and interminable) legal end, I have found myself entertaining certain tender feelings toward a young man who has admirably stepped in where my soon-to-be ex-husband, was lacking in his performance of marital duties . . . such as snaking the pipes, polishing the brass knobs on my front door, nailing down the floor in my basement, and generally being a handy man with a ready tool.
However, my new gentleman friend is understandably skittish about women, as another female acquaintance almost had him under contract a few years ago and he escaped only narrowly by discovering her house was a Colonial era instead of the Georgian era she said it to be.
Here is my problem: Do I inform this kind young man about my--shall we say--affectionate leanings, despite my legally 'married-and-loathing-it' status, or do I let him continue in his slavish attention to every wall, window and door in my dwelling without the sweet endearments I long to whisper, for honor, duty, and fear of him (pardon the pun) bolting?
Awaiting your sagacity,
Sir Charles replies:
One shall not criticize your choice of a gentleman friend who, from time to time, resorts to manual labour. One understands that there is a 'back to nature' sort of movement today that impels some of the younger set to perform the occasional task such as making one's own coffee, changing the fuse, and even flushing the loo after one has done one's Lord Wellington.
Lady Buffandy, let one attempt to dissuade you from revealing your feelings to the help, no matter how kind and well-bred he may be. There are many men who enjoy driving nails in a married woman's house when her own husband will not do the job. There are many men who do not so much mind applying themselves to a careful spit polish of a lady's knockers, until they gleam and virtually beg to be banged against the lady's door.
However, a fondness for the occasional buff job is not the same as home ownership. A fear of responsibility for the entire house might drive off your young man, were you to confess your attachment to him. One's advice, Lady Buffandy, is to wait. If the young man is still on his knees working with his tool after the divorce is final, he may soon be on his knees bearing a ring for your finger.
With a sigh for innocent romance, one remains,
Hey, hey, HEY!
It's 6.15 on MONDAY--just where the hell is the new Sir Charles,
hmmm? There are those of us who DEPEND on the availability of
Sir Charles in order to facilitate the washing down of the morning
gack. Get with it, mister!
Sir Charles replies:
And a pity it is, when our Scottish neighbors to the north bend over in their tartans and a stiff wind blows up their kilts from behind, that we, the innocent, are forced to an unwanted glimpse of the hairy, badly-complected regions where they store their brains.
Wishing Mr. MacTesty a hearty bowlful of haggis, one remains,
Dear Sir Charles,
My wife last night gave birth to our first child, a daughter. But it's been a very, very long nine months, if you get my meaning. A very long and frustrating nine months. How soon after having a baby can a woman have sex again?
Please keep this confidential.
Sir Charles replies:
Here in England, it would depend upon in what type of hospital your prized wife is staying. Did she give birth in a public health service ward, or are you paying for a private hospital with a room to herself?
With a sigh for young lust, one remains,