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Poddington-on-Slossip: Characters

Agony Pascoe



Agony Martin Pascoe would not be hard upon the eyes were he scrubbed in a tub of hot water for several hours. His teeth are good, and shine whitely in contrast to his begrimed skin. His curly black hair seems to blend in with the dark streaks of dirt across his forehead. And his eyes, steady and soulful, gaze upon the objects of his interest with slow satisfaction. When he stands, he lounges. When he sits, he sprawls. He is obviously a man devoted to his comfort.

Agony usually wears several layers of old shirts and a farmer's jacket. His boots are covered with the grubby effluvium of the barn and sprinkled with hay. His pants, filthy yet outlining his broad, masculine thighs, hang from a narrow waist. Whatever the weather, his shirts and jackets are open to reveal an incredible expanse of chest hair.


Agony Pascoe lost his father at the age of fifteen, at which time he took over the management of the Pascoe Orchards. He managed to turn the family fortunes around with the invention of the Pascoe Perfect Plum, a hybrid for which he claims all the credit. The sweet, juicy variety of plum was a favourite in Buckingham Palace, and within a few years Agony was able to diversify the orchards so that they could support himself and his mother in style.

Despite the change of fortune, however, Agony considers himself a simple man of the soil. He is content to dress as does a farmer, and to put his moneys away in the bank for a rainy day. He is searching for a wife, however, who might muck out the stables with him and milk the cows, and dry the prunes and scrub the kitchen, and bear his children and whitewash the barn.

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